March/April - 2009

Dear Friend,

We had a wonderful daylong workshop on Relational Mindfulness in March at the Jean Baker Miller Institute at Wellesley College.  We were again sold out!  A warm welcome to all the new subscribers who participated in this exploration with Jan Surrey and me!  For more information: http://www.wellesley.edu/JBMTI/workshops.html

In the last Newsletter, I mentioned the four abodes of the heart used in Buddhist psychology to describe the nature of, and practices for building, love.  We focused then on the doorway of Joy as one of those four.  This Newsletter looks at another of these abodes, Compassion, as a doorway for increasing the capacity for love.  I hope you find some inspiration to kindle compassion for yourself, as well as for others, as you face challenges this month.

The purpose of this newsletter is to share with you simple and effective tools for personal, spiritual and professional growth.  I have used these tools in my own life, so I know their power as well as their challenges.  I have also utilized them in more than thirty years of professional work with others as a life coach, educator and psychotherapist.  I offer them to you to try, adapt, and practice as methods to nurture your own growth.

Please send this issue to any friends who might be interested.  Also, I would welcome your thoughts or comments on this newsletter.  Have a great month!

Warmly,

Natalie

Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com

P.S.  Interested in some support in clarifying your purpose or taking action on your purpose?  Contact me for a complimentary coaching call to explore whether coaching could help you reach your goals!

One day a man was walking along the beach

when he noticed a boy picking something up

and gently throwing it into the ocean.

Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. 

The surf is up and the tide is going out. 

If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”

“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize

there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? 

You can’t make a difference!”

After listeni

another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. 

Then, smiling at the man, he said,

“I made a difference for that one.”

~ Adapted from The Star Thrower by Loren Eiseley

The holy and the secular alike speak of the capacity for compassion as a key element for fulfillment of the individual and survival of the human community.  When we allow ourselves to truly see the plight of someone else, then we are moved to feel with that other being, to suffer with their suffering to some degree.  Such compassion stops us for a moment, expands our hearts, and moves us to take some sort of action in response: offering words of comfort, lending a hand, or saying a silent prayer.  When our hearts are thus opened with compassion, we feel relief in finding a way to lighten the suffering, thus creating a true win-win phenomenon.  Both the boy and the starfish that return to the sea benefit.

Yet feeling with the suffering of another can also be painful, and this is why compassion is sometimes hard to experience.  When we keep attention only on our own concerns, we insulate ourselves from the suffering around us. This, however, creates a false sense of autonomy and ultimately leaves us experiencing ourselves as separate and alone in life. The man who felt overwhelmed by the enormity of all those starfish left to die by the tide could not respond with compassion.  Instead, he questioned the wisdom of the boy’s efforts.  In one version of the story, this man of wisdom goes home to reflect on his interaction with the boy, and then returns to the beach to join the boy in throwing starfish back to sea.

Karuna – the Buddhist Concept of Compassion

In Buddhist teachings, Karuna is translated as the intention and capacity to relieve and transform suffering and to lighten sorrows.  Karuna is an attitude of compassion that allows us to sit with the dark and painful sides of life with an acceptance that requires neither aversion nor denial.  Those of us who choose a vocation in the healing arts are often intentionally working with our compassion, inviting ourselves to witness the suffering of others and find a way to offer relief.  Yet one doesn’t have to work in a healing profession to be aware of suffering - opportunities to practice compassion are always around us.

Compassion arises in us naturally, and we all can remember experiences of feeling moved by the suffering of another, followed by the desire to relieve that suffering.  Often, it is our identification with the sufferer that allows the compassion to arise. 

That identification, however, can also lead to fear.  “If this happened to her (accident, illness, job loss, etc), it could happen to me.”  Such fear encourages us to separate ourselves from the suffering - to avoid it.  We may find ourselves distancing from the sufferer, denying our similarities, or even blaming the victim – “well I would never drive that road at night,” or “she must have done something to bring this on.”  Sometimes this aversion or dissociation can be very subtle, yet nonetheless leads to a constriction of the heart, and a sense of separation between ourselves and the suffering of another. 

Separating ourselves from suffering is a natural response, and if we were not able to separate ourselves, we would feel constantly traumatized by all the suffering around us.  What I appreciate so about the Buddhist teachings on practicing compassion is the idea of an intentional and gradual opening of the heart.  As the heart tolerates more openness, we can stay more present with the experience of suffering in the world without a kneejerk response of denial or an overactive pity.  This allows us to see more clearly what we can do to truly help to ease suffering.  The man in the story finds inspiration in the boy’s ability to reach out to one starfish at a time. This helps the man overcome his sense of futility, to open his heart to the precarious predicament of the starfish, and to engage with the boy in meaningful action. 

Challenges in the Practice of Compassion

A few words of caution on the path of compassion. 

1. Compassion may be expressed in actions, but compassion itself is an attitude of the heart.  What may look like compassionate action in others may not be motivated by compassion at all.  A sense of obligation, or a desire to look good in the eyes of others, also could motivate helpful actions toward others.

2. Compassion is not a competition.

3. Beware of passing judgment.  Accepting your current understanding of “the truth” must always be open to re-evaluation.  Cultivating compassion depends on knowing as fully as you can the conditions that create the suffering.

What interferes with cultivating compassion for you?

How to Practice Compassion

1. Set your intention. The first step to cultivating an attitude of compassion is the intention to do so.  Compassion does not arise from a “should,” but from truly seeing another’s suffering.  Setting the intention to cultivate compassion is like lighting a match to ignite the kindling for a fire. 

2. Take note. Notice when you feel compassionate.  What situations stir this feeling?  Do you feel an opening, or softening, of the heart?  Do you experience other sensations that you associate with the feeling or attitude of compassion?

3. Use a phrase. To fan the fire of compassion, try developing an image or a phrase that helps you recall your experience of compassion.  Repeat it to yourself as you encounter the suffering of another in your day.  For instance, the phrase might be “May you be healthy and free from suffering,” and you silently could direct this phrase toward an upset friend, child, or injured animal you encounter, or toward a stranger that seems ill or unhappy. 

4. Be compassionate with yourself. Developing compassion toward ourselves is just as important as opening to the suffering of others.  If we respond to our own suffering with judgment, harshness or shame, we strengthen these feelings in our response to the suffering in others.  On the other hand, the more we can respond to our own shortcomings and suffering with acceptance and mercy, the more the heart can similarly open to others.

Try directing the thought “May you be healthy and free from suffering” toward yourself when you have a headache, or a heartache, or feel overwhelmed with anxiety. 

5. Challenge yourself. To increase the challenge of practicing compassion, try sending your phrase or image toward someone you are angry with, or dislike, or who has hurt you in some way.  Making room for compassion in the midst of conflict can have powerful results.

6. Expand the focus of your compassion practice. Finally, you can fan the fire of compassion by sending this attitude toward a particular group or conflict anywhere in the world.  An attitude of compassion requires that we learn about the situation, continually acquiring the knowledge to understand. We must consider each situation for ourselves, rather than rely solely on the opinions or information from others. Perhaps a personal story, a movie, a book, or a newspaper article may compel you to learn more about a particular situation.  Allow yourself to open to that exploration in a gradual way.

“Compassion literally means to feel with, to suffer with.

 Everyone is capable of compassion, and yet everyone tends to

avoid it because it's uncomfortable. And the avoidance

 produces psychic numbing -- resistance to experiencing our

 pain for the world and other beings.”

~ Joanna Macy

* * * * * * *

~  Action On Purpose Challenge  ~

1. Choose words to express your felt sense of compassion, such as “May you be healthy and free from suffering.”

2. For two weeks, during a time of meditation or reflection, pay attention to where you are personally suffering. Then, practice saying your phrase in your mind or aloud, directed toward yourself.  Try it twice a day, on waking and going to sleep.

3. For the next two weeks, choose one person in your life you wish to send compassion (Karuna) to.  During a time of meditation or reflection, practice directing your phrase toward this person.  Again, try this practice on a regular schedule such as twice a day, on waking and going to sleep.

4. Reflect on this practice.  What did you notice?  What was difficult?  What felt positive?  Any surprises?

~  In the News  ~

Next Steps -  Want to get going on a plan for the kind of life you want to lead in the future? The 2Young2Retire course can help.  A certified facilitator, I offer the course by tele-conference.  If you are interested in more information about the course and updates on the time and starting date, click here.

Would you like to share your kind words about Natalie's coaching, facilitating, speaking or writings?  If so, please send them here.  We gratefully welcome your comments.

At www.EldridgeWorks.com, my virtual professional home, you will find information about coaching and psychotherapy services, as well as more about me.  I would love to hear your comments about the website, or the Action on Purpose newsletter.  Contact me at Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com.