February - 2011

Dear Friend,

The past month we have been battered by snowstorms, and not just in New England! I have been doing far more shoveling than I thought possible – endless transport of snow from one space to another, until there is just no place to move it to anymore. The slowing down of time during the “snow days” is striking, as well as the coming together of neighbors to help one another in dealing with the consequences of the weather.  I have been reminded of the importance of community in our lives, and the mutual caring needed to maintain a healthy community. This seems a useful contemplation for this month’s newsletter. 

The purpose of this newsletter is to share with you simple and effective tools for personal, spiritual and professional growth. I have used these tools in my own life, so I know their power as well as their challenges.  I have also utilized them in more than thirty years of professional work with others as a life coach, educator and psychotherapist.  I offer them to you to try, adapt, and practice as methods to nurture your own growth.

Please send this issue to any friends who might be interested. Also, I would welcome your thoughts or comments on this newsletter.  I truly appreciate your participation in this Action on Purpose Community!

Warmly,

Natalie

Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com

P.S.  Interested in some support in clarifying your purpose or taking action on your purpose?  Contact me for a complimentary coaching call to explore whether coaching could help you reach your goals! 

“We can begin by doing small things at the local level,

like planting community gardens or looking out for our neighbors.

That is how change takes place in living systems,

not from above but from within, from many local actions

occurring simultaneously."

~ Grace Lee Boggs

 Spiritual and religious communities, or those formed around any set of values, develop ways to communicate and manage the inevitable tensions that arise among individuals in close, daily contact. Communities, just like individuals and those in relationships, need to take care to maintain and cultivate their health – lest they fall apart from cracks not tended to.  One example of such a method of caring for the community is the practice of “Beginning Anew,” from the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh.

Beginning Anew can be done in the context of any relationship, though it developed to be used within a live-in community that has many temporary residents as well as a solid group of fairly permanent residents. Imagine being part of such a practice, and a community, as you read through the description. Then, we’ll look at ways to bring the spirit of this community nourishment into your life.

Beginning Anew - Nourishing a Compassionate Community

Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, poet, scholar, and peace activist, has developed a wonderful model to clear the mind and keep our mindfulness practice fresh, both internally and in our relationships with others. The spiritual communities that have grown up around his teachings use this practice every two weeks among the community members. It is a straightforward and poetic practice which is aligned with psychological and mediation models of conflict resolution, peace, and reconciliation.

The following is a description of the four-part process of Beginning Anew adapted from the description on the website of Plum Village:

Sitting in a circle, with a vase of flowers in the center, the community meditates together. Then one person goes to the center, takes a flower, and returns to her or his seat and speaks. The other practitioners practice deep listening and following their breath, and do not interrupt the speaker until s/he signals being finished by returning the flower to the center vase.  The speaker follows a particular format as follows.

Flower Watering - This is a chance to share appreciation for other members of the community. The speaker may mention specific instances in which another person said or did something that the speaker admires or benefitted from. This practice shines a light on the strengths and contributions the speaker sees in other community members, encouraging the growth of these positive qualities in them. At the same time, this “flower watering” helps to weaken the difficulties in the other person. “As in a garden, when we ‘water the flowers’ of loving kindness and compassion in each other, we also take energy away from the weeds of anger, jealousy and misperception.”

Sharing Regrets – The speaker then mentions any of her/his own actions, speech or thoughts from the past couple weeks that s/he regrets and has not yet had an opportunity to apologize for. This may include acknowledgment of some unkind words the speaker said, actions prompted by irritability or anger, or feelings/thoughts of jealousy or judgment toward others.

Expressing a Hurt - When there is a particular hurt or difficulty between two members, this part of the practice is included.  Typically, this is done in pairs, or with a mutually trusted third person as a witness and support, as opposed to with the entire group. The same steps of “flower watering” and “sharing regrets” begin the practice. Then, the speaker shares how they felt hurt by an interaction with the other person due to the other’s actions, speech or thoughts.

Sharing a Long-term Difficulty & Asking for Support- At times we each experience difficulties and pain, rooted in the past or invisible to others, which surface within and affect the present situation or relationships. Perhaps the speaker is struggling with depression, experiencing grief at the anniversary of the loss of a loved one, or being challenged by health issues. This step allows members to inform the community of an issue that they are dealing with so that the community can understand them better and offer the kind of support that is most needed.

When the speaker concludes, s/he returns the flower to the central vase and joins in the silence until another person takes their turn to speak.

What is so striking to me about this practice is the regularity in which it is folded into the life of the community. The presence of this practice acknowledges that conflicts arise, and that we all need to work at how to bring our best intentions into our relationships with others. The practice provides a way to keep working and reflecting on the relational practice within the community.

What if other groups were able to use a similar practice – families, couples, business partners, work groups, volunteers? How would the world change?

Of course, in a monastery or a retreat center, there is a common ground of values and practice – meditation, deep listening, and a code of values – that underlies the effectiveness of this practice. Establishing a common ground between people is also a key principle of many other forms of interpersonal and collaboration skill development such as team building, psychotherapy, or mediation.

Identifying Your Communities of Care

Can you imagine sharing the kind of open communication described in the Beginning Anew practice with certain people or groups in your life? If you can, these people are likely part of your community of care. If you cannot, what would need to happen to create the safety in your relationships with others to allow this to be possible?

As you reflect on your own life, begin to identify the communities that are most important to you. These may be family groups, religious congregations, work groups, friendship networks, sports teams, etc. Communities of care are communities that you both give of yourself to and feel supported by. This element of mutual care is fundamental to the capacity to maintain a community of care.

For many of us, dealing with conflict in relationships is difficult and unpracticed. I think often of the “beginning anew” ceremony as a reminder of the power of practicing a positive way to deal with conflict.

Suppose, however, that you feel conflict toward someone in your workplace, your extended family, or in a community group that is so intense that you feel agitated whenever you are around them. How could you be expected to sit with them and tell them what you value in them? Maybe you are dealing with it by staying as far away from the person as possible. What then?

Nourishing Your Communities

I have found a powerful tool to help deal with just such a situation. It requires, however, a real desire to shift one’s own stance toward the other person. It’s beauty is that it can be done alone, when you feel in a safe place and able to get quiet and centered.

After a brief period of relaxation and centering, hold in mind the person you feel conflict with.  Remaining centered, intentionally wish that person well – sending them loving-kindness and wishes for health and happiness. If you begin to feel upset or triggered, return to the centering practice until you feel calm again.

Repeating this over a period of time, the practice becomes easier to sit with and maintain. Many also notice that their reactivity toward the target person begins to lessen even when they are with that person. The other person hasn’t changed, but the practitioner’s response set becomes less reactive, providing more room for fresh responses and interactions. I have seen this practice lay the foundation for the kind of direct sharing outlined in the Beginning Anew ceremony.

I have used a similar technique to wish well to political leaders who hold very different political beliefs than I do. Although I have not spoken with them directly, I have found that my efforts to find ways to appreciate their gifts has humanized them in my mind, and thus broadened my awareness about the problems I see in our political systems – rather than blaming all the difficulty on one person, or one group of leaders.

Summary

Here are a few “take aways” from my experience with this rich practice of Beginning Anew, and other methods of cultivating caring, healthy relationships and communities:

• It is by taking our attention off of our own concerns, focusing instead on others, that we can appreciate the significant gifts that others are bringing to our lives every day – even those we are in conflict with.
• It is a gift to acknowledge and appreciate another’s contributions, and giving that gift is good for the other person, for the giver, and for the relationship.
• Acknowledging our own shortcomings both humbles us and decreases the intensity of the other’s defensive stance.
• To tell someone how I have been hurt by them is a deep sharing of my experience, not an act of blame or shame.
• Others can only know how their actions or words have affected us if we tell them.
• It takes courage to be vulnerable in this way, yet also can bring about a sense of inner affirmation and peace.

"When we have inner peace, we can be at peace

with those around us. When our community is in a state of peace,

it can share that peace with neighboring communities."

~ The Dalai Lama

~  Action On Purpose Challenge  ~

Below is a challenge for you to try with another person in your life. It is not necessary that the other person also go through the practice, though that may be encouraged. The other person would need to be willing to listen attentively, and in silence, to your practice.

I am assuming here that you will be talking with the person with whom you are in the relationship you will be reflecting on.  However, this exercise can easily be adapted to use with a trusted listener who is not that person.

Begin by sitting comfortably in a face-to-face position with your partner. Be sure your partner is also at ease – at a comfortable distance and able to hear you well. Also clarify your agreement to stay seated for a particular period of time (i.e.; 20 minutes)

1. Begin the session in some formal way – ringing a bell, saying a prayer, or simply saying “let’s begin.”

2. Spend 2-10 minutes in silence together, to help you both transition to this practice and get grounded in yourselves.

3. Begin by speaking of 2-3 things about your partner that you truly appreciate or admire. They could be general qualities or specific actions – try to give examples if you speak of general qualities.

4. Then speak of 2-3 regrets you have about how you have acted, thought, or felt toward your partner in the recent past. For the purposes of this exercise, stick to small and specific things, rather than focusing on any major concerns or transgressions.

5. Next, if there are specific things your partner said or did that triggered you to feel hurt in some way, describe those words or actions and what arose in you in response.

6. Finally, acknowledge one feeling or difficulty you are aware of struggling with of late that relates, at least in part, to some past hurt or experience in your life. Speak from the perspective of informing your partner of your awareness of this internal experience.

7. When you are finished, invite your partner and yourself to return to a few minutes of silence together until you end the practice with a bell, a prayer, etc.

8. Thank your partner for their listening attention.

9. Discussing the experience is not necessary, but can be done if both partners wish to. If so, the speaker might begin by describing what it was like for them – followed by the listener describing what it was like for her/him to listen.

~  In the News  ~

Happy Valentine’s Day: I invite you to check out this video to spend a reflective and joyful few minutes in a global caring community affirming joy and love through music. May you be happy, may you be safe, may you be free, may you be filled with love –

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzPTHstpJ2I

Next Steps - Want to get going on a plan for the kind of life you want to lead in the future? The 2Young2Retire course can help.  A certified facilitator, I offer the course by tele-conference.  If you are interested in more information about the course and updates on the time and starting date, go to http://actiononpurpose.com/2008/04/30/boomers--whats-next-for-you.aspx

Would you like to share your kind words about Natalie's coaching, facilitating, speaking or writings?  If so, please send them to testimonial@EldridgeWorks.com.  We gratefully welcome your comments.

At www.EldridgeWorks.com , my virtual professional home, you will find information about coaching and psychotherapy services, as well as more about me.  I would love to hear your comments about the website, or the Action on Purpose newsletter.  Contact me at Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com.