May - 2011

Dear Friend,

May is blooming in New England and the daylight is increasing. The natural world around me is “showing off” its fresh, new coat of many colors. I was thinking about how the natural world just does its thing, with no attachment to some sense of ego or self. This led me to the contemplation below – written especially for those who worry about showing off, or being selfish, and may have difficulty standing out in the crowd – you know who you are.

The purpose of this newsletter is to share with you simple and effective tools for personal, spiritual and professional growth. I have used these tools in my own life, so I know their power as well as their challenges.  I have also utilized them in more than thirty years of professional work with others as a life coach, educator and psychotherapist.  I offer them to you to try, adapt, and practice as methods to nurture your own growth.

Please send this issue to any friends who might be interested. Also, I would welcome your thoughts or comments on this newsletter.  I truly appreciate your participation in this Action on Purpose Community!

Warmly,

Natalie

P.S.  Interested in some support in clarifying your purpose or taking action on your purpose?  Contact me for a complimentary coaching call to explore whether coaching could help you reach your goals! 

“If you want to reach a state of bliss,

then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue.

Make a decision to relinquish

the need to control, the need to be approved,

and the need to judge.

Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time.

It's very important to be aware of them

every time they come up.

~ Deepak Chopra

In the quest for spiritual growth, overcoming the persistence of the ego is a constant refrain. In Western culture, the personal ego is particularly celebrated and deified, so keeping a healthy relationship with this part of ourselves is quite challenging. The aggressive, self-serving business executive may find great reward and wealth through identifying with ego traits and desires. Maintaining control by force or by criticizing the “competitors,” is a common model of western success.

Those that are less empowered in the culture may find an effective way to “succeed” is to appear uninterested in outward displays of self-attention in order to gain favor. Yet an attachment to refraining from outward expressions of self and desire can be just as ego-bound if we try to control our image in others’ eyes – trying to be seen as “selfless” or “egoless.”

Ego is not a bad thing in and of itself. As adult human beings we need to have some control over ourselves and our world, to feel approved and affirmed by others, and to use judgment to make decisions. In the Chopra quote above, it is the overblown “need” – an additction to these fruits of the ego - that causes undue suffering and impedes our experience of happiness.

Denial of the Ego

A more serious challenge comes to those who have developed such a strong aversion to any identification with the ego that they are left with little sense of self. This can be described as a denial of the self, or ego – an aggressive habit of suppressing any desire or thought deemed “selfish” even before it emerges fully in consciousness. This guardedness around ego takes a great deal of energy. Furthermore, without acknowledging the ego, how can we know ourselves fully or let the ego take a useful place in our world?

In my work with others over the years, I find that sometimes we need to work on embracing the ego, before tackling the task of relinquishing our attachment to it.  Perhaps we need to relinquish our aversion as well as our attachment.

The Golden Rule reflects an ethic of reciprocity embedded in most belief systems in the world. Simply stated, it says that we are to treat other people as we would wish to be treated ourselves. I offer an adaptation of the Golden Rule to help care-givers who are lost in the “selflessness” of ego-aversion:

 “Care for yourself as you would care for others.”

Relating to Your Ego

A metaphor I have found useful in developing a healthy relationship to the ego is to treat the ego as an invited guest in your home, as opposed to an intruder, a celebrity, or an exile. Embracing the ego whenever it walks through the door is a useful model, requiring the steps of recognition and acknowledgment, a welcoming embrace, and then letting go.

1. Acknowledging the Ego

Hello, Ego, I recognize you and you are welcome to come into my home. You are not a stranger to me, but a familiar presence in my life. I recognize your particular manner – how you tend to get my attention or argue your case. I have learned many things from our frequent collaboration. I have learned to listen, and to take your counsel with a grain of salt – consulting other parts of myself before acting on your advice, often urgently delivered.

2. Embracing the Ego

As with an old friend, I embrace you at the door of my home, whether you are coming or going at the moment. You are a part of me that will always be around in some form. I do not want to put you on a pedestal and treat you like a celebrity. Neither do I want to bully you, to banish you, nor even to ignore you. I welcome you with a warm embrace – you are an old friend.

3. Letting Go

Our embrace is temporary – an act of bringing close and letting go. I will be welcoming in other friends as well. You are not the only guest in my home. By acknowledging you, I am aware of your presence and can keep an eye on you. Had I not noticed or welcomed you as you entered, I might feel caught off-guard by your urgent or provocative ideas later on.

Yes, you are welcome – but my sole attention is not toward you. I value your presence and will chat with you from time to time, but do not insist on monopolizing my attention. I will greet and let you go many times this day. I will listen to your proclamations, but not be attached to them as Truth. You are very smart in many ways, but wisdom and compassion are found in more spacious parts of me.

The Many Faces of Ego

I find ego surfaces with different faces at different times. For example, my ego can appear as the face of an angry child, as the face of a stodgy intellectual, or the face of an angel. Each of these aspects of ego, of myself, is a state that I want to acknowledge the existence of without getting lost in it.

How do you experience ego when it comes to your door – and how do you greet ego?

“Ego is to the true self what a flashlight is to a spotlight.”

~John Bradshaw

~  Action On Purpose Challenge  ~

1. Consider how you recognize the many faces of ego as they arise within you and make their presence known.

2. Try on embracing these aspects – acknowledge them, give them a hug and then let them go.

~  In the News  ~

Next Steps - Want to get going on a plan for the kind of life you want to lead in the future? The 2Young2Retire course can help.  A certified facilitator, I offer the course by tele-conference.  If you are interested in more information about the course and updates on the time and starting date, go to http://actiononpurpose.com/2008/04/30/boomers--whats-next-for-you.aspx

Would you like to share your kind words about Natalie's coaching, facilitating, speaking or writings?  If so, please send them to testimonial@EldridgeWorks.com.  We gratefully welcome your comments.

At www.EldridgeWorks.com, my virtual professional home, you will find information about coaching and psychotherapy services, as well as more about me.  I would love to hear your comments about the website, or the Action on Purpose newsletter.  Contact me at Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com.