Generate Gentle Goals
October - 2011
Dear Friend,
As summer merges into autumn, many celebrate the beginning of a new year – Rosh Hashanah begins the Jewish New year, while students and scholars worldwide are still in the early phase of the academic year. It seems a good time to review and formulate new goals. In this issue I write to those who struggle with the process of setting goals or are discouraged by their progress on past intentions.
The purpose of this newsletter is to share with you simple and effective tools for personal, spiritual and professional growth. I have used these tools in my own life, so I know their power as well as their challenges. I have also utilized them in more than thirty years of professional work with others as a life coach, educator and psychotherapist. I offer them to you to try, adapt, and practice as methods to nurture your own growth.
Please send this issue to any friends who might be interested. Also, I would welcome your thoughts or comments on this newsletter. I truly appreciate your participation in this Action on Purpose Community!
Warmly,
Natalie
Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com
P.S. Interested in some support in clarifying your purpose or taking action on your purpose? Contact me for a complimentary coaching call to explore whether coaching could help you reach
your goals!
Goal setting usually begins with a process of looking at our big dreams, and assessing where we really want to go with our lives. This is followed by determining a set of milestones along the path to our dreams in some sequential order. Then the process suggests breaking down our goals until we have specific, manageable tasks to put into practice today, or this week, that will move us toward our goals.
I believe in this process. I have seen it work wonders in my own life and in the lives of my clients. But sometimes it just doesn’t provide what is needed to get us moving. What if we have no idea what we want in our future, or we cannot imagine having the freedom to choose? What if we are so discouraged by our past experience with setting goals that the whole idea feels aversive?
It is for those times, and these mindsets, that I offer the tool of generating gentle goals.
Begin with Present Successes
Instead of beginning with a roadmap for where you want to get to, or how you want to be living, begin with an inventory of the successes you are living in your life right now. It is always helpful to take stock of what is working well for you – what you have achieved, or survived, up to this moment.
A client I’ll call Mary came to see me feeling unable to gain traction in her life. She was burned out with the job she’d held for many years, and was feeling unappreciated by the new leadership in her department. She wanted to find a new position, even a new career, which would have greater meaning for her, providing the sense of satisfaction that she had felt when she first started out in her current career. She had no idea what that might be. She was worried about making a career change in her early fifties, so wanted to know for sure that she would survive financially. Mary was also frustrated with the gradual weight gain she had been experiencing over the past fifteen years, leaving her 30-40 pounds above the weight she believed she should be. She had set, and not met, so many goals around losing weight that she believed she could never succeed.
When Mary was invited to take an inventory of her current successes, she began with a litany of the things she had tried to do but failed to follow through on. With some gentle guidance, however, she was able to admit that there were some things in her life she felt very good about. She was in a loving marriage, and was secretly thankful when so many of her friends were facing separation, divorce, or dissatisfaction in this aspect of their lives. She also raised two kids, now launched more or less successfully. As she talked about her family, her demeanor brightened significantly. These were definite successes.
Mary then recalled a time in her life before she’d met her husband. She had been happy with work but lonely, frequently longing for a loving relationship and a family of her own. At that time, she had no idea how to begin to make that happen – very much like she feels now about her work life and body image.
By focusing on what she had accomplished, and taking credit for the patience, fortitude, and effort she put into those things, Mary could reconnect with a sense of success. She went on to identify other things to put on her success list, including their modest but comfortable home, a low mortgage, and no credit card debt. Mary came full circle to the job she now wants to leave, recognizing that her job stability had been a critical part of accomplishing her other successes.
This practice of acknowledging our successes helps us to accept where we are. Rather than constantly leaning forward into who we think we want, or should, or need to be, we can regain our balance in the present.
Take Small Steps
Inspiration and motivation are great things, but sometimes they can prompt us to promise more than we can reasonably deliver. Mary’s goals for losing weight are ones she had chiseled in stone over time: hour-long workouts at the gym 4x/week, a strict diet, and staying away from sweets altogether. She had been able to keep to this regime for weeks at a time in her past, but now viewed this as something she understood how to do, but just didn’t have the will power to make herself do.
Small steps begin, literally, with what is in front of us right now. After much review of her expectations and frustrations, we began to look for things she could do to be more physically active. Much as she wanted to add in some dietary changes, renew her gym membership, and make a new schedule at home – I urged her to commit to only one change at a time. After reviewing a number of possibilities together, Mary chose as her goal to use the stairs in her building at work every day. She worked on the third floor – had often thought about using the stairs instead of the elevator, but felt this alone wouldn’t do any good – so she had not actually taken action on this idea.
One week later, she had used the stairs twice. We celebrated this as a win, as this was twice more than she’d done the previous week. Two months later, she is using the stairs most days and feeling good about this. She hasn’t lost any weight – but she feels she is doing something to strengthen her body. We are discussing adding another step – another adjustment – to her daily routine. She is aware of the temptation of her old “do it all” belief, actively resisting this temptation to race ahead. This allows her to identify and choose just one small step in front of her.
Find Support
One of the harshest ways we treat ourselves around goals is with the notion that we must “go it alone.” Of course, some of the process is ours alone – the choices we make, and the effort and pacing we bring to accomplishing our goals. Yet the most energizing accomplishments for many are the ones that have been done with others.
Mary is talking about joining an exercise class starting up at her church. The place is familiar, the price is right, and it provides another way to get involved with her congregation. She is considering going to one class to test it out as her next step goal. She spoke of enjoying being around some of the people who would be in the class – so that showing up itself would feel worth it after a long day at work.
Yet there is also a program at a community center that interests her – an opportunity to do some self-assessment of her career interests and strengths with others exploring a career change. While we agree that both this group and the exercise class are valuable supports, I encourage her to choose only one step at a time.
For those who have struggled with following their goals, the “I can do both at the same time” approach is precisely what trips them up. Instead, consider slowing your pace to this approach: “first I will take this step; later, when I have completed, or established this step, I will consider another step.”
1. Make a list of the successes you are currently living with. Allow yourself to take credit and feel proud of your accomplishments – refrain from self-judgment!
2. Identify one small change you could make in your regular routine that you know you would feel good about. You do not have to see this as a step toward a specific long-term goal. It simply needs to be an action you subjectively feel will nurture your sense of success.
3. Identify some ways to gain support for implementing your small step or small change. Perhaps this is simply telling someone about the change – perhaps it is finding others taking a similar step.
4. Take your time. Do only one of these suggestions at a time.
Dear Friend,
As summer merges into autumn, many celebrate the beginning of a new year – Rosh Hashanah begins the Jewish New year, while students and scholars worldwide are still in the early phase of the academic year. It seems a good time to review and formulate new goals. In this issue I write to those who struggle with the process of setting goals or are discouraged by their progress on past intentions.
The purpose of this newsletter is to share with you simple and effective tools for personal, spiritual and professional growth. I have used these tools in my own life, so I know their power as well as their challenges. I have also utilized them in more than thirty years of professional work with others as a life coach, educator and psychotherapist. I offer them to you to try, adapt, and practice as methods to nurture your own growth.
Please send this issue to any friends who might be interested. Also, I would welcome your thoughts or comments on this newsletter. I truly appreciate your participation in this Action on Purpose Community!
Warmly,
Natalie
Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com
P.S. Interested in some support in clarifying your purpose or taking action on your purpose? Contact me for a complimentary coaching call to explore whether coaching could help you reach
your goals!
“Nature gives to every time and season
some beauties of its own; and from morning to night,
as from the cradle to the grave,
it is but a succession of changes so gentle and easy
that we can scarcely mark their progress.”
~ Charles Dickens
some beauties of its own; and from morning to night,
as from the cradle to the grave,
it is but a succession of changes so gentle and easy
that we can scarcely mark their progress.”
~ Charles Dickens
Goal setting usually begins with a process of looking at our big dreams, and assessing where we really want to go with our lives. This is followed by determining a set of milestones along the path to our dreams in some sequential order. Then the process suggests breaking down our goals until we have specific, manageable tasks to put into practice today, or this week, that will move us toward our goals.
I believe in this process. I have seen it work wonders in my own life and in the lives of my clients. But sometimes it just doesn’t provide what is needed to get us moving. What if we have no idea what we want in our future, or we cannot imagine having the freedom to choose? What if we are so discouraged by our past experience with setting goals that the whole idea feels aversive?
It is for those times, and these mindsets, that I offer the tool of generating gentle goals.
Begin with Present Successes
Instead of beginning with a roadmap for where you want to get to, or how you want to be living, begin with an inventory of the successes you are living in your life right now. It is always helpful to take stock of what is working well for you – what you have achieved, or survived, up to this moment.
A client I’ll call Mary came to see me feeling unable to gain traction in her life. She was burned out with the job she’d held for many years, and was feeling unappreciated by the new leadership in her department. She wanted to find a new position, even a new career, which would have greater meaning for her, providing the sense of satisfaction that she had felt when she first started out in her current career. She had no idea what that might be. She was worried about making a career change in her early fifties, so wanted to know for sure that she would survive financially. Mary was also frustrated with the gradual weight gain she had been experiencing over the past fifteen years, leaving her 30-40 pounds above the weight she believed she should be. She had set, and not met, so many goals around losing weight that she believed she could never succeed.
When Mary was invited to take an inventory of her current successes, she began with a litany of the things she had tried to do but failed to follow through on. With some gentle guidance, however, she was able to admit that there were some things in her life she felt very good about. She was in a loving marriage, and was secretly thankful when so many of her friends were facing separation, divorce, or dissatisfaction in this aspect of their lives. She also raised two kids, now launched more or less successfully. As she talked about her family, her demeanor brightened significantly. These were definite successes.
Mary then recalled a time in her life before she’d met her husband. She had been happy with work but lonely, frequently longing for a loving relationship and a family of her own. At that time, she had no idea how to begin to make that happen – very much like she feels now about her work life and body image.
By focusing on what she had accomplished, and taking credit for the patience, fortitude, and effort she put into those things, Mary could reconnect with a sense of success. She went on to identify other things to put on her success list, including their modest but comfortable home, a low mortgage, and no credit card debt. Mary came full circle to the job she now wants to leave, recognizing that her job stability had been a critical part of accomplishing her other successes.
This practice of acknowledging our successes helps us to accept where we are. Rather than constantly leaning forward into who we think we want, or should, or need to be, we can regain our balance in the present.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself
just as I am, then I can change.”
~ Carl Rogers
just as I am, then I can change.”
~ Carl Rogers
Take Small Steps
Inspiration and motivation are great things, but sometimes they can prompt us to promise more than we can reasonably deliver. Mary’s goals for losing weight are ones she had chiseled in stone over time: hour-long workouts at the gym 4x/week, a strict diet, and staying away from sweets altogether. She had been able to keep to this regime for weeks at a time in her past, but now viewed this as something she understood how to do, but just didn’t have the will power to make herself do.
Small steps begin, literally, with what is in front of us right now. After much review of her expectations and frustrations, we began to look for things she could do to be more physically active. Much as she wanted to add in some dietary changes, renew her gym membership, and make a new schedule at home – I urged her to commit to only one change at a time. After reviewing a number of possibilities together, Mary chose as her goal to use the stairs in her building at work every day. She worked on the third floor – had often thought about using the stairs instead of the elevator, but felt this alone wouldn’t do any good – so she had not actually taken action on this idea.
One week later, she had used the stairs twice. We celebrated this as a win, as this was twice more than she’d done the previous week. Two months later, she is using the stairs most days and feeling good about this. She hasn’t lost any weight – but she feels she is doing something to strengthen her body. We are discussing adding another step – another adjustment – to her daily routine. She is aware of the temptation of her old “do it all” belief, actively resisting this temptation to race ahead. This allows her to identify and choose just one small step in front of her.
“What is the best all-around exercise for me to do?”
“The most helpful exercise, by far, is the one that you actually do with some regularity.”
Find Support
One of the harshest ways we treat ourselves around goals is with the notion that we must “go it alone.” Of course, some of the process is ours alone – the choices we make, and the effort and pacing we bring to accomplishing our goals. Yet the most energizing accomplishments for many are the ones that have been done with others.
Mary is talking about joining an exercise class starting up at her church. The place is familiar, the price is right, and it provides another way to get involved with her congregation. She is considering going to one class to test it out as her next step goal. She spoke of enjoying being around some of the people who would be in the class – so that showing up itself would feel worth it after a long day at work.
Yet there is also a program at a community center that interests her – an opportunity to do some self-assessment of her career interests and strengths with others exploring a career change. While we agree that both this group and the exercise class are valuable supports, I encourage her to choose only one step at a time.
For those who have struggled with following their goals, the “I can do both at the same time” approach is precisely what trips them up. Instead, consider slowing your pace to this approach: “first I will take this step; later, when I have completed, or established this step, I will consider another step.”
“Growth is an erratic forward movement:
two steps forward, one step back.
Remember that and be very gentle with yourself.”
“Set small and gentle goals and meet them.”
~ Julia Cameron, from The Artist’s Way
two steps forward, one step back.
Remember that and be very gentle with yourself.”
“Set small and gentle goals and meet them.”
~ Julia Cameron, from The Artist’s Way
~ Action On Purpose Challenge ~
1. Make a list of the successes you are currently living with. Allow yourself to take credit and feel proud of your accomplishments – refrain from self-judgment!
2. Identify one small change you could make in your regular routine that you know you would feel good about. You do not have to see this as a step toward a specific long-term goal. It simply needs to be an action you subjectively feel will nurture your sense of success.
3. Identify some ways to gain support for implementing your small step or small change. Perhaps this is simply telling someone about the change – perhaps it is finding others taking a similar step.
4. Take your time. Do only one of these suggestions at a time.
~ In the News ~
Next Steps - Want to get going on a plan for the kind of life you want to lead in the future? The 2Young2Retire course can help. A certified facilitator, I offer the course by tele-conference. If you are interested in more information about the course and updates on the time and starting date, go to http://actiononpurpose.com/2008/04/30/boomers--whats-next-for-you.aspx
Would you like to share your kind words about Natalie's coaching, facilitating, speaking or writings? If so, please send them to testimonial@EldridgeWorks.com. We gratefully welcome your comments.
At www.EldridgeWorks.com, my virtual professional home, you will find information about coaching and psychotherapy services, as well as more about me. I would love to hear your comments about the website, or the Action on Purpose newsletter. Contact me at Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com.
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