Action On Purpose

Knowing Kindness

Natalie Eldridge — Tue, 08 May 2012 02:42:56 GMT

May - 2012

Dear Friend,

Several of you have asked about when the next Action on Purpose installment will be ready - thank you for the gentle prodding. The book project I am managing (see next paragraph) has eaten up much of my writing time, and I apologize for the delay in the newsletter publication. It is your kindness in asking for the next edition, and the kindness required toward myself to allow my deadline to slip a bit, that prompts me to focus on Knowing Kindness this month.

I am very excited about LIVE SMART AFTER 50! The Experts' Guide to Life Planning for Uncertain Times, written by members of the Life Planning Network. As the chief editor and one of 33 contributors, I am thrilled to see such a rich, comprehensive and inspirational product emerge! It contains lots of engaging tools to inspire you to action and many resources at your fingertips. I will let you know when and where to access the book, in either print or e-book format. We anticipate the release in the early fall.

Please send this issue to any friends who might be interested. Also, I would welcome your thoughts or comments on this newsletter. I truly appreciate your participation in this Action on Purpose Community!

Warmly,

Natalie

Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com

P.S. Interested in some support in clarifying your purpose or taking action on your purpose? Contact me for a complimentary coaching call to explore whether coaching could help you reach your goals!

“Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness.

Know how to give without hesitation,

how to lose without regret,

how to acquire without meanness.”

~ George Sand

Tux, a precocious kitty, proudly brought a little bird to where we humans were gathered, visiting, on the porch. She placed her prey down and waited for it to move - re-catching it each time a wing fluttered or the bird attempted to scurry away. I observed, at first, Tux's disinterest when the bird became still, and her endless re-engagement in the game as soon as the bird began to stir.

After a few moments, I became aware that the bird was very much alive and frightened, and seemed to have an injured wing. Identifying with what I imagined to be the bird's terror in its cornered position, I could no longer watch with detachment the game underway. With a couple of magazines, I lifted the bird from the floor and carried it to a sheltered place in the bushes and the shade, high above Tux's reach. Thirty minutes later, I went back to discover the bird still in the same place, though breathing in a calmer way. An hour later, the bird was gone.

This story tells little of the nature of either cats or birds. Although the cat quickly became engaged in other pursuits, I do not know how the story ends for the bird. The bird may have survived its shock and been well enough to carry on its life. Or it may have died of its injuries or inability to feed itself with an injured wing. Perhaps another predator found this bird where I left it to rest... I will never know.

This story does, however, tell of my identification with the bird's presumed suffering, and my response to that awareness. I was moved to kindness. It was not a thought process that got me out of my chair to come to the bird's aid - it was a movement of the heart that propelled me. Was this an act of kindness? Certainly Tux wouldn't have thought so, as her toy was taken away. She was doing nothing wrong - simply following her instincts.

Knowing Kindness

To know what kindness really is, we must first come to know suffering. It is through our personal experience of suffering, and the understanding that suffering is both inevitable and universal, that the response of kindness is evoked. Of course, we can have other responses to suffering: bitterness, denial, envy, despondency, fear or meanness, to name a few. To know kindness in our hearts, most of us need to have observed or experienced it ourselves.

Kindness is not difficult. It may involve simply smiling to a newcomer, or taking a moment to listen to someone's story or concern. It can result in direct action, as my coming to the aid of that bird. Or perhaps kindness comes from not saying or doing something. I recognize the kindness done to me by a kind of sigh and softening in my heart. How do you experience kindness?

Kindness and Compassion for Oneself

As Christopher Germer writes in The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion, "Self-compassion is the foundation for kindness toward others." If we cannot accept our own foibles and flaws, we will have difficulty refraining from judging others with just as much unkindness. Accepting ourselves for how we are in the present moment does not mean we cannot, or should not, aspire to shift or change in the future. It is precisely our acceptance of another's present suffering, and the behavior that suffering produces, that allows us to be kind toward them.

Finally, kindness is not an act or series of actions, though kindness can often be recognized in what we do. Rather, kindness is a response of the heart to the suffering of others. It is an internal blossoming that bears fruit in our actions. Practicing kindness is not only an effort of "doing good deeds," but of opening our hearts to the current suffering in ourselves and others.

"Constant kindness can accomplish much.

As the sun makes ice melt,

kindness causes misunderstanding,

mistrust, and hostility to evaporate."

~ Albert Schweitzer

~ Action On Purpose Challenge ~

Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty!

Check here for inspiration and guides for how to practice random acts of kindness.Check here for inspiration and guides for how to practice random acts of kindness.

"You cannot do a kindness too soon,

for you never know how soon

it will be too late."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ In the News ~

LIVE SMART AFTER 50! The Experts' Guide to Life Planning
for Uncertain Times - Stay tuned for details about this fresh
resource for making the second half of your life the best ever!
Soon to be released in both paperback and electronic versions.

Would you like to share your kind words about Natalie's coaching,
facilitating, speaking or writings?  If so, please send them to
 testimonial@EldridgeWorks.com.  We gratefully welcome your
comments.

At www.EldridgeWorks.com, my virtual professional home,
you will find information about coaching and psychotherapy
services, as well as more about me.  I would love to hear your
comments about the website, or the Action on Purpose newsletter.  
Contact me at Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com

Joy Juice

Natalie Eldridge — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 02:10:58 GMT

March - 2012

Dear Friends,

Spring is emerging early in the Northeast after an unusually mild winter. The weather
changes bring both relief and deep concern to us all.

This particular spring brings the anticipation of a new birth in my life: the book
I've been working on for many months with a group of amazing colleagues! Live
Smart After 50 - Life Planning for Uncertain Times is full of inspiring and practical
ways to embrace the increasing longevity of our lives and to take action to promote
our joy and well-being. We plan to produce both a paperback and an electronic
version - I will keep you all posted on when and how it will be available. For now,
a few simple thoughts on joy.

The purpose of this newsletter is to share with you simple and
effective tools for personal, spiritual and professional growth.
I have used these tools in my own life, so I know their power as
well as their challenges.  I have also utilized them in more than
thirty years of professional work with others as a life coach,
educator and psychotherapist.  I offer them to you to try, adapt,
and practice as methods to nurture your own growth.

Please send this issue to any friends who might be interested.
Also, I would welcome your thoughts or comments on this newsletter.
I truly appreciate your participation in this Action on Purpose Community!

Warmly,

Natalie

Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com

P.S. Interested in some support in clarifying your purpose or
taking action on your purpose?  Contact me for a complimentary
coaching call to explore whether coaching could help you reach
your goals!

“Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world.

We cannot cure the world of sorrows,

but we can choose to live in joy.”

~ Joseph Campbell

What if we were in the habit of finding the joy in every situation? What if our most fundamental belief was that "life is good?" Some would say these attitudes make no difference in the events in our lives. Others would argue that these attitudes make all the difference in the world in how we experience our lives. What would you say?

I believe in a basic goodness in life and choose to make an effort to find and taste the joy in whatever circumstances that I find myself in. This is not always easy, and it certainly does not replace the experience of suffering. However, I find this practice does much to counteract a tendency to feel discouraged or defeated in the face of disappointment or loss.

Here is a recipe for "joy juice" that I follow as best I can. You may want to add or substitute your own ingredients, experiment, and see what combination of attitudes and actions will increase the experience of joy in your life.

Recipe for Joy Juice - think GRAPES!

Ingredients:

Gratitude - take time to feel gratitude each day for the exquisite gift of life and for all the particular opportunities that have come your way.
Relaxation - take a moment to breathe deeply and attune to your body, inviting the breath to bring relaxation and warmth to any areas of tension or stress. (Tip: some exercise can enhance the power of relaxation.)
Affirmation of the Positive - look for at least one good thing in every situation, and hold this positive element along with the challenge or disappointment you may feel.
Patience - practice patience with yourself; you cannot do everything at once. Patience and compassion for yourself allow you to be patient and compassionate toward others.
Eating Mindfully - slow down the process of physical nourishment so you can taste your food and truly savor the experience of eating.
Smiling Often - bring on the joy intentionally. See the Action on Purpose Challenge below to explore this ingredient more.

Combine generous amounts of the ingredients to create the basic G-R-A-P-E-S of Joy Juice. Add sweetener and spices to taste. Sip your Joy Juice throughout each day to enhance mood and outlook. En-Joy!

For more thoughts on Joy, see my article on Joy: An Ever-Present Possibility.

“Sometimes your joy is the source

of your smile, but sometimes your smile

can be the source of your joy.”

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

~ Action On Purpose Challenge ~

A smile meditation is an immediate and powerful tool for practicing joy. Like our breath, a smile is a spontaneous and automatic response to certain stimuli around us or in our own physical or thought processes. But it is also something we can choose to influence - we can suppress a smile and we can choose to form a smile on our faces. As a practice, it gives us a way to influence the mind-body connection in an intentional and skillful way.

I recommend practicing mindful smiling at any time, any place. Practicing this around others can have an amazing impact on both your mood and your sense of connectedness. As you form a smile on your face, the world will respond in obvious and subtle ways. What might be the effect on you?

Take some time to get quiet, go within, close your eyes, relax your body.
Observe from inside yourself the feeling of your face at rest - relaxed, passive, quiet.
Now slowly curve the corners of your lips upward into a slight smile. Allow your smile to spread across your face. Notice how this changes the muscles in your face. Notice if it changes your feeling or mood in subtle ways.
Set an intention to practice smiling over a period of time – perhaps a week, or a month.
Plant reminders to help you remember to practice smiling – a sticky note, a smiley face sticker, a joyful photo….
Develop a smile folder - internally, virtually, or physically - containing images, quotes, or thoughts that make you smile. Take time to review your smile folder often, regardless of current circumstances.
Experiment with smiling in different situations each day. Here are a few ideas:

Smile at another commuter on your way to work.
Choose to smile at the first person you encounter as you walk into work, or into a store, or along the street.
Smile at each member of your household as you arrive home, or as they do. (Pets and babies count!)

Set a date now to reflect on this practice after you have done it for some time. What do you discover?
Have fun and enjoy your practice!

Try the smile meditation and observe what happens. For more instructions for various types of smile meditations, see http://chippit.tripod.com/inner_smile.html

~  In the News  ~

LIVE SMART AFTER 50! Stay tuned for details about this fresh resource
for making the second half of your life the best ever! Soon to be released
in both paperback and electronic versions.

Would you like to share your kind words about Natalie's coaching,
facilitating, speaking or writings?  If so, please send them to
testimonial@EldridgeWorks.com.  We gratefully welcome your comments.

At www.EldridgeWorks.com, my virtual professional home, you will find information
about coaching and psychotherapy services, as well as more about me.  I would
love to hear your comments about the website, or the Action on Purpose newsletter.
Contact me at Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com.

Inspiring Intention

Natalie Eldridge — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 23:12:02 GMT

January - 2012

Dear Friend,

Happy New Year! In honor of new beginnings, I am republishing an article from a few years back on uncovering the intentions of your heart. May you feel inspired as you embrace the hopes and promise of 2012!

Please send this issue to any friends who might be interested.

Also, I would welcome your thoughts or comments on this newsletter. I truly appreciate your participation in this Action on Purpose Community!

Warmly,

Natalie

Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com

P.S. Interested in some support in clarifying your purpose or taking action on your purpose? Contact me for a complimentary coaching call to explore whether coaching could help you reach your goals!

We learn and grow and are transformed

not so much by what we do but

by why and how we do it.

~ Sharon Salzberg

Inspiration is intention obeyed.

~ Emily Carr

Any time is a good time to pause and take stock of our lives. We might set new goals or make resolutions while finding inspiration in the energy of changes in our lives or in the world around us. Our goals may involve beginning new projects, or renewing aspirations that have long lain fallow. I find that most goals or resolutions can be generally divided into two types: “doing” and “being” resolutions. For the purposes of this discussion, I will call them goals and intentions.

Goals vs. Intentions

What is the difference between goals and intentions? The goals we often set for ourselves are focused on a desired outcome in the future. When we set goals, it helps us make plans for how to take sequential steps for meeting this goal between now and that imagined future time. This is a very productive and useful process. Some examples of these types of goals are:

I will lose 15 pounds this year.
I will be in a new job by September.
This year, I will make a decision about ______ and move forward on that decision.

Because our goals are set in the future, we have limited control over whether or when they get accomplished. An unforeseen recession could affect our job search process; an illness or injury could affect our weight loss plan; and new information may clarify or muddy some decision we’ve been wrestling with. However, our goals can be adjusted and timelines reset like a GPS system guiding us toward our given destination, no matter how many detours we may take from the initial route planned.

Intentions, on the other hand, are about how we want to “be” in whatever we are doing. Our intentions can usually be practiced in the present moment, in any situation we find ourselves. With an intention, the outcome is not the focus, but the process is. This is reflected in the well-known axiom: “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.” This saying actually originated in a poem by Grantland Rice, an American sportswriter who lived from 1880-1954.

For when the One Great Scorer comes,

To write against your name,

He marks - not that you won or lost –

But how you played the Game.

Intentions refer to the qualities we want to practice and develop in ourselves. They might be reflected in such words or phrases as:

beaming love
making healthy choices
balance
being patient
listening deeply to self and others
opening to creativity
being generous with time and resources

Our intention can be held in our hearts, envisioned in our minds, or spoken as an affirmation (see the April 2008 issue on Affirmations). Setting an intention as we begin any spiritual practice or important endeavor becomes a powerful guiding light that shines through our actions. What quality is important for you to develop in yourself, and in your life, today? What are you seeking to embody or embrace?

Intention is also something we become more aware of as we look within...we discover the intentions that are already motivating us that we were perhaps unaware of. So in our daily practice or times of reflection, we both attend to our intentions through observation, and intentionally hold certain intentions in order to strengthen them.

Inspiring Intention

Intention arises from the heart – it is not a head thing. In working with clients around setting intention, I see a frequent tendency to set an intention with the mind alone, with a tinge of guilt, or “shouldness” about the intention. “I should be more this, less that.” It is no wonder that intentions set out of guilt induce more guilt, as we persist in viewing ourselves as too much of this and too lacking in that!

Yoga class has taught me a great deal about setting intentions. We begin with a period of total relaxation which significantly changes my energy from where it was when I walked into the room. At the close of this relaxation time, before we begin to move into any poses, the instructor invites us to set our intention for our practice in the class. I have always been amazed by what comes to mind…the intention, or a word or phrase to express it, usually arises spontaneously in that moment and varies from class to class. I am clear that had I voiced an intention as I walked into class, it would not have been the same one. Even if the words were similar, the intention comes from a different place in me after the time to relax and disengage from the many stimulations of my day. The class ritual, the relaxation, the timing, the invitation from the instructor - this all comes together to inspire an intention within me to bubble up into consciousness.

Our own dormant intentions ignite with the spark of inspiration. The artist, or work of art, that gets us excited about our own creative pursuits serves as our inspiration. The friend who recognizes our deepest yearnings and encourages us forward serves as our inspiration. Our intentions can lie dormant for many years, some say for many lifetimes, and still rise up into consciousness when the conditions are right, we are ready, and we open to the inspiration around us.

Attention to our intentions, and the clarification of what intentions we want to energize and practice, are valuable tools to anchor and inspire our periodic goal-setting process.

Inspiration is the fuel that makes

your dreams come true.

Where do you find yours?
~ Cheryl Richardson

~ Action On Purpose Challenge ~

Try this exercise for uncovering your unique intentions or ideals. Have paper, or an index card, and something to write with available.

1. Take some time to get centered and relaxed, in whatever way works for you. Be sure to turn off phones and protect yourself as best you can from interruption. You might focus on your breathing for several minutes, do some yoga poses, listen to soothing music, or engage in sitting or walking meditation, for example.

2. Once you feel centered and relaxed, allow your mind to recall a time when you felt very alive, whole, and joyous, connected to yourself and to others, complete. It may take some time to recall one experience, or you may recall several such times.

3. Settle with one memory. It doesn’t have to be the “best” or the time you felt “most whole.” Just pick one time when you really felt somehow centered, positive and full.

4. Dwell with that experience for a time. Recall as much detail as you can about how it felt to you - what was going on inside you during this time.

5. After several minutes dwelling with this experience, allow a word or phrase to emerge that, for you, captures the essence of it. This word or phrase doesn’t have to be meaningful to anyone else.

6. When you are ready, write down your word or phrase on an index card. If words did not come, perhaps you can draw a picture or use color to capture the quality of the experience you focused on.

7. Spend some time with this experience as an expression of an intention for you that you can bring into your current experience. Ponder it in your heart.

May this New Year inspire our best intentions into practice!

~ In the News ~

Next Steps - Want to get going on a plan for the kind of life you want to lead in the future? The 2Young2Retire course can help. A certified facilitator, I offer the course by tele-conference. If you are interested in more information about the course and updates on the time and starting date, go to http://actiononpurpose.com/2008/04/30/boomers--whats-next-for-you.aspx

Would you like to share your kind words about Natalie's coaching, facilitating, speaking or writings? If so, please send them to testimonial@EldridgeWorks.com. We gratefully welcome your comments.

At www.EldridgeWorks.com, my virtual professional home, you will find information about coaching and psychotherapy services, as well as more about me. I would love to hear your comments about the website, or the Action on Purpose newsletter. Contact me at Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com.

Honoring Home

Natalie Eldridge — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 14:49:35 GMT

November/December - 2011

Dear Friend,

Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a rich holiday season filled with themes of abundance, gratitude, sharing, family, hearth and home. For this holiday edition of Action on Purpose, I am including an article I wrote some years ago about recognizing home. The story is a powerful memory for me at this time of year, and I hope you find the article resonates with your ongoing discovery of what, or where, home is for you.

The purpose of this newsletter is to share with you simple and effective tools for personal, spiritual and professional growth. I have used these tools in my own life, so I know their power as well as their challenges. I have also utilized them in more than thirty years of professional work with others as a life coach, educator and psychotherapist. I offer them to you to try, adapt, and practice as methods to nurture your own growth.

Please send this issue to any friends who might be interested. Also, I would welcome your thoughts or comments on this newsletter. I truly appreciate your participation in this Action on Purpose Community!

Warmly,
Natalie
Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com

P.S. Interested in some support in clarifying your purpose or taking action on your purpose? Contact me for a complimentary coaching call to explore whether coaching could help you reach
your goals!

“I long, as does every human being,

to be at home wherever I find myself.”

~ Maya Angelou

Honing in on Home

It was Christmas Eve, but I had nearly forgotten as we hurried up the Greenwich Village street to attend a rather chic dinner party. The gathering was full of 20-something professionals like myself, good food, witty conversation and laughter. As the evening wore on, I became aware that no one at the party seemed to notice that it was Christmas Eve, except perhaps in passing. I thought how cosmopolitan I’d become to wind up in this crowd this night. As I was enjoying the after-dinner repartee, I suddenly heard the strains of a Christmas carol being played by a rag-tag Salvation Army band on the streets below. The hostess moved quickly to close the window, blocking out the sound of the forlorn trumpet. Yet inside of me, there arose a sudden yearning for that trumpet and familiar Christmas traditions, and I was quite taken by surprise.

In the 30 minutes that followed, the yearning increased rather than receding as I’d expected. An image suddenly arose in my mind of a church placard, announcing the times of Christmas Eve services that evening. I didn’t realize I had taken in that information as we passed the church on the corner between the subway and the apartment building where the party was held. I slipped away from the party, tracing my steps back to the little corner church. I sat in the sanctuary with a smattering of others to sing carols and listen to the familiar story of the first Christmas. In that hour, I learned a lot about myself. I discovered that I needed to honor both my adventures into new experiences and the roots that fed me from my past. Sitting in that church, I was able to connect to the memories, people, sounds and feelings that allowed me to be at home in myself that special night. I returned to the party at peace and a little wiser about the roots that sustain me. I had found a way home to myself that Christmas Eve.

Decades have passed since that Christmas Eve in Manhattan, but the experience is as fresh as if it were yesterday. Every year since, during the holiday season, I have taken time to reflect on how to honor my roots as well as my current growing edges. Then I have taken initiative to create a fresh way to be at home with each.

What is Home?

Home is both where we are rooted and where we are headed in life. In the developmental urge to move away from our childhood roots – whether across the street, across the country, or across the globe – is a healthy need to find our own place in a larger, adult world. Traditional psychologies have emphasized this urge to “separate and individuate,” reifying the “rugged individual” image so popular in Western cultures. More recent psychological understanding, however, has brought into focus a relational context of ongoing, deepening connection . Here we see both the possibility, and the necessity, of maintaining connections to our roots in ways that nourish the growth of ourselves, the people and communities from which we sprouted, and the ever-changing relationship connecting us together.

For some, returning to places and people connected with a childhood home can be very painful. Even if a physical return is not made, the flood of memories the holidays evoke can make the season a difficult, sometimes dreaded, time of year. If this is your experience, then it becomes even more salient to identify and honor the sense of home you have developed within. This process allows you to be at home, at peace, wherever you are.

A place to begin in understanding some of the elements of “home” for each of us is to complete the following sentences:

· I am at home at this place:

· I am at home with this person / these people:

· I am at home when I am doing this activity:

· I am at home when I am being or expressing this quality:

Remember that home is not the place, the other person, or the activity. Rather, it is these things, or even the memory of these things as we honor them, that bring us a sense of being at home in ourselves.

Finding Our Way Home

The holiday season can be a particularly poignant time for those who are away from family and familiar traditions for the first time, either by choice or by circumstance. There is a rich opportunity to discover internally what is really essential for us to honor from our traditions, while also letting go of what is no longer important.

Though our relationship to home is an ever-present one, it is particularly called into focus during the holidays. Perhaps my story echoes a similar experience for many, when we discover an essential root, or connection, to home. It is by recognizing and nourishing our essential roots, while letting go and moving on from those that no longer feed us, that we learn how to be at home in ourselves – wherever we are. This is done through mindful trial and error - our life experience. It is by being at home in ourselves – by living our truth – that we pass on the richest soil for the roots of the next generation.

“The journey is my home.”
~ Muriel Rukeyser

~ Action On Purpose Challenge ~

Take some time to reflect on what is most important for you this holiday season. Wherever you are, and whatever you do, how can you be more at home with yourself?

Wishing you a growthful and joyous holiday!

~ In the News ~

Would you like to share your kind words about Natalie's coaching, facilitating, speaking or writings? If so, please send them to testimonial@EldridgeWorks.com. We gratefully welcome your comments.

Generate Gentle Goals

Natalie Eldridge — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 18:54:21 GMT

October - 2011

Dear Friend,

As summer merges into autumn, many celebrate the beginning of a new year – Rosh Hashanah begins the Jewish New year, while students and scholars worldwide are still in the early phase of the academic year. It seems a good time to review and formulate new goals. In this issue I write to those who struggle with the process of setting goals or are discouraged by their progress on past intentions.

The purpose of this newsletter is to share with you simple and effective tools for personal, spiritual and professional growth. I have used these tools in my own life, so I know their power as well as their challenges. I have also utilized them in more than thirty years of professional work with others as a life coach, educator and psychotherapist. I offer them to you to try, adapt, and practice as methods to nurture your own growth.

Please send this issue to any friends who might be interested. Also, I would welcome your thoughts or comments on this newsletter. I truly appreciate your participation in this Action on Purpose Community!

Warmly,
Natalie
Natalie@EldridgeWorks.com

P.S. Interested in some support in clarifying your purpose or taking action on your purpose? Contact me for a complimentary coaching call to explore whether coaching could help you reach
your goals!

“Nature gives to every time and season
some beauties of its own; and from morning to night,
as from the cradle to the grave,
it is but a succession of changes so gentle and easy
that we can scarcely mark their progress.”

~ Charles Dickens

Goal setting usually begins with a process of looking at our big dreams, and assessing where we really want to go with our lives. This is followed by determining a set of milestones along the path to our dreams in some sequential order. Then the process suggests breaking down our goals until we have specific, manageable tasks to put into practice today, or this week, that will move us toward our goals.

I believe in this process. I have seen it work wonders in my own life and in the lives of my clients. But sometimes it just doesn’t provide what is needed to get us moving. What if we have no idea what we want in our future, or we cannot imagine having the freedom to choose? What if we are so discouraged by our past experience with setting goals that the whole idea feels aversive?

It is for those times, and these mindsets, that I offer the tool of generating gentle goals.

Begin with Present Successes

Instead of beginning with a roadmap for where you want to get to, or how you want to be living, begin with an inventory of the successes you are living in your life right now. It is always helpful to take stock of what is working well for you – what you have achieved, or survived, up to this moment.

A client I’ll call Mary came to see me feeling unable to gain traction in her life. She was burned out with the job she’d held for many years, and was feeling unappreciated by the new leadership in her department. She wanted to find a new position, even a new career, which would have greater meaning for her, providing the sense of satisfaction that she had felt when she first started out in her current career. She had no idea what that might be. She was worried about making a career change in her early fifties, so wanted to know for sure that she would survive financially. Mary was also frustrated with the gradual weight gain she had been experiencing over the past fifteen years, leaving her 30-40 pounds above the weight she believed she should be. She had set, and not met, so many goals around losing weight that she believed she could never succeed.

When Mary was invited to take an inventory of her current successes, she began with a litany of the things she had tried to do but failed to follow through on. With some gentle guidance, however, she was able to admit that there were some things in her life she felt very good about. She was in a loving marriage, and was secretly thankful when so many of her friends were facing separation, divorce, or dissatisfaction in this aspect of their lives. She also raised two kids, now launched more or less successfully. As she talked about her family, her demeanor brightened significantly. These were definite successes.

Mary then recalled a time in her life before she’d met her husband. She had been happy with work but lonely, frequently longing for a loving relationship and a family of her own. At that time, she had no idea how to begin to make that happen – very much like she feels now about her work life and body image.

By focusing on what she had accomplished, and taking credit for the patience, fortitude, and effort she put into those things, Mary could reconnect with a sense of success. She went on to identify other things to put on her success list, including their modest but comfortable home, a low mortgage, and no credit card debt. Mary came full circle to the job she now wants to leave, recognizing that her job stability had been a critical part of accomplishing her other successes.

This practice of acknowledging our successes helps us to accept where we are. Rather than constantly leaning forward into who we think we want, or should, or need to be, we can regain our balance in the present.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself
just as I am, then I can change.”

~ Carl Rogers

Take Small Steps

Inspiration and motivation are great things, but sometimes they can prompt us to promise more than we can reasonably deliver. Mary’s goals for losing weight are ones she had chiseled in stone over time: hour-long workouts at the gym 4x/week, a strict diet, and staying away from sweets altogether. She had been able to keep to this regime for weeks at a time in her past, but now viewed this as something she understood how to do, but just didn’t have the will power to make herself do.

Small steps begin, literally, with what is in front of us right now. After much review of her expectations and frustrations, we began to look for things she could do to be more physically active. Much as she wanted to add in some dietary changes, renew her gym membership, and make a new schedule at home – I urged her to commit to only one change at a time. After reviewing a number of possibilities together, Mary chose as her goal to use the stairs in her building at work every day. She worked on the third floor – had often thought about using the stairs instead of the elevator, but felt this alone wouldn’t do any good – so she had not actually taken action on this idea.

One week later, she had used the stairs twice. We celebrated this as a win, as this was twice more than she’d done the previous week. Two months later, she is using the stairs most days and feeling good about this. She hasn’t lost any weight – but she feels she is doing something to strengthen her body. We are discussing adding another step – another adjustment – to her daily routine. She is aware of the temptation of her old “do it all” belief, actively resisting this temptation to race ahead. This allows her to identify and choose just one small step in front of her.

“What is the best all-around exercise for me to do?”

“The most helpful exercise, by far, is the one that you actually do with some regularity.”

Find Support

One of the harshest ways we treat ourselves around goals is with the notion that we must “go it alone.” Of course, some of the process is ours alone – the choices we make, and the effort and pacing we bring to accomplishing our goals. Yet the most energizing accomplishments for many are the ones that have been done with others.

Mary is talking about joining an exercise class starting up at her church. The place is familiar, the price is right, and it provides another way to get involved with her congregation. She is considering going to one class to test it out as her next step goal. She spoke of enjoying being around some of the people who would be in the class – so that showing up itself would feel worth it after a long day at work.

Yet there is also a program at a community center that interests her – an opportunity to do some self-assessment of her career interests and strengths with others exploring a career change. While we agree that both this group and the exercise class are valuable supports, I encourage her to choose only one step at a time.

For those who have struggled with following their goals, the “I can do both at the same time” approach is precisely what trips them up. Instead, consider slowing your pace to this approach: “first I will take this step; later, when I have completed, or established this step, I will consider another step.”

“Growth is an erratic forward movement:
two steps forward, one step back.
Remember that and be very gentle with yourself.”

“Set small and gentle goals and meet them.”

~ Julia Cameron, from The Artist’s Way

~ Action On Purpose Challenge ~

1. Make a list of the successes you are currently living with. Allow yourself to take credit and feel proud of your accomplishments – refrain from self-judgment!

2. Identify one small change you could make in your regular routine that you know you would feel good about. You do not have to see this as a step toward a specific long-term goal. It simply needs to be an action you subjectively feel will nurture your sense of success.

3. Identify some ways to gain support for implementing your small step or small change. Perhaps this is simply telling someone about the change – perhaps it is finding others taking a similar step.

4. Take your time. Do only one of these suggestions at a time.

~ In the News ~

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